Crazy stories

Two of my neighbors and fellow professors at my school are awesome and say really hilarious things to me, which I always try to write down or text to someone so that I’ll remember it. Here now for you amusement is a list of random things they have said completely taken out of context (sorry for the French mixed in there, it’s just funnier that way). Enjoy.

• En Afrique la violence et forte, deh!   
• Girls just give birth randomly here.
• Marriage is not easy. You’re always blocked in bed and you can’t fart whenever you want.
• La tradition en Afrique est l’infidélité.             African tradition is infidelity
• Women are like fire. You like being near them because they warm you. Mais si t u rentes la bas- ça va tu brûler.
• Women are like roads. When you are on them you never stop to think about who’s been there before you, you just want to be on it.
• (Anecdote) one time a student threatened to commit suicide so the administration called the parents and they came down. In the meeting between the administration/parents/suicidal youth, the parents were just confused as to why they were called. “We just don’t understand why you called us. There are a lot (of kids) at the house. Who cares? Ca ne fait rien. There’s plenty more.”
• (the language on this is toned down for sensitive audiences) When you screw your wife, you’re really just screwing yourself. (because she’ll probably get pregnant and then you have to dispense so much money)
• One time he talked for a good 45 minutes about women spies and how dangerous they are. Because they are beautiful, and the pillow talk, and you just never expect. Women spies, ce n’est pas facile, deh.
• (Anecdote) There were once three thieves. One stole a lime, another an orange and the last stole a watermelon. They were all caught and the police were all gathered around trying to think of a good punishment. They finally decided that whatever they had stolen they had to keep…in their butt. Naturally the one with the lime wasn’t too put out and the orange man was slightly uncomfortable but made it through alright. You can bet that no one ever stole a watermelon again.
• (For a while, Serge was really adamant that I eat sheep testicles, and I would have but I wasn’t real eager to do it. Apparently one time he prepared it for me, but I didn’t know and also it was raining and the next time I saw him this is what he said) “What are you afraid you’ll get pregnant or something? It’s good!”
• There is never money for sucerie but you can always find some for beer.
• (one time they were talking about the ‘night market,’ which apparently is on market days at night all the people hang around and do shady sexy business) “I’m serious! If you go to the night market there are women who just go out behind the house and have sex with like 6 different men. They don’t even charge for it.” Me: Where did you hear this because I feel like it’s false. “It’s not, this really happens. Go and see for yourself…wait, don’t do that. You’d probably get pregnant.”
• You go out with a girl and you have a good time. Once. And then tomorrow- baby! On ne comprend rien.
• People here love slow dancing but they have to do it in the dark because it’s better that way. But there is a problem because it’s so exciting that when they turn on the lights, it’s a problem…people see… (at which point he points to something, which I feel I don’t need to say. Put two and two together people)
• This one you may not find funny, but I loved it. They started playing scrabble after getting drunk at a wedding. Serge put down the word goûter. And Christian says on va tu goûter tu vas voir
• In the dark everything is more exciting. One kiss in the dark is like 4 during the day.